The Project Gutenberg eBook of Nuts to crack, Multum in parvo library, v. 2, no. 20, August 1895, by Anonymous

Title: Nuts to crack, Multum in parvo library, v. 2, no. 20, August 1895

A galaxy of puzzles, riddles, conundrums, etc.

Author: Anonymous

Release Date: December 12, 2022 [eBook #69528]

Language: English

Produced by: Demian Katz, Craig Kirkwood, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy of the Digital Library@Villanova University.)

Read the following surprising sentence.

All 0.

Ans. Nothing after all.

Make one word of the letters of words new door.

Ans. One word.

Take away one letter from a word in the above stanza and substitute another, leaving the word so metamorphosed still a word of the English language; and, by that change, totally alter the syntactical construction of the whole sentence, changing the moods and tenses of verbs, turning verbs into nouns, nouns into adjectives, and adjectives into adverbs, etc., and so make the entire stanza bear quite a different meaning from that which it has as it stands above.

Take away L in the subjunctive “Let” at the beginning of the first line, and substitute S, and so[3] turn it into the imperative “Set,” when the changes which necessarily follow will be immediately apparent.

1. Why is ambition like a weathercock? Because it is a vain and glittering thing to aspire (a-spire).

2. What preserve would an egg name if it could speak? Ma-me-laid (Marmelade).

3. What is the difference between a schoolmaster and an engine driver? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.

4. Why are railways like laundresses? Because they have “ironed” the world, and occasionally done a little mangling.

5. Which is the most difficult train to catch? The 12:50, because it is ten to one if you do catch it.

6. What nation does a criminal dread most? Condem-nation.

7. What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-net (castanet).

8. What trees flourish best upon the hearth? Ashes.

9. Which is the queen of the roses, and why? The rose of the watering pot, because it rains (reigns) over them all.

10. Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager? Because he makes both ends meet.

11. Why is love like pattens? Because it elevates the soul (sole).

12. Why are stars the best astronomers? Because they have studded (studied) the heavens since the Creation.

13. If Mr. Rowland Hill were to give each of his children a gold dollar why would he be like[4] the rising sun? Because he tips the little Hills with gold.

14. What is the difference between Mario and Cardinal Wiseman? One performs mass in white and the other mass in yellow (Masaniello).

15. What is the difference between a pastry cook and a bill sticker? One puffs up paste and the other pastes up puffs.

16. Who was the first whistler, and what was his tune? The wind, when he whistled “Over the hills and far away.”

17. Why have fowls no future state? Because they have their next world in this world (necks twirled in this world).

18. Which is the easiest of the three professions? Divinity; because it is easier to preach than to practice.

19. Why are your nose and chin always at variance? Because words are continually passing between them.

20. What kind of vice is that which people shun if they are ever so bad? Ad-vice.

21. Why should a little man never marry a bouncing widow? Because he would be called “the widow’s mite.”

22. What is that which every one wishes for and yet tries to get rid of? A good appetite.

23. What kind of sweetmeats did they have in the Ark? Preserved pairs (pears).

24. Why are potatoes and corn like certain sinners of old? Because having eyes they see not, and ears they hear not.

25. Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Because brevity is the sole of it.

26. Why is a man who does not bet as bad as one who does? Because he is no bettor.

[5]

27. Which travels at the greatest speed, heat or cold? Heat, for you can easily catch cold.

28. Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by every post.

29. If you suddenly saw a house on fire, what three celebrated authors would you feel inclined to name? Dickens, Howitt, Burns (Dickens! How it burns).

30. Why should the male sex avoid the letter A? Because it makes men, mean.

31. What kind of wine is both meat and drink? Old port, with a crust.

32. Why are people who stutter not to be relied on? Because they are always breaking their word.

33. Why is a game of cards like a timber yard? Because there are always a great many deals in it.

34. What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon one and stand upon the other.

35. In what color should a secret be kept? Inviolate (in violet).

36. Which would you rather have, five silver dollars or a five-dollar bill? The latter, because you double it when you put it in your pocket, and find it in-creases when you take it out.

37. In what part of the church do they ring the bells (belles)? At the altar.

38. We will send you 100 useful articles for 10 cts., postpaid. W. S. Everett & Co., Lynn, Mass.

39. What is that of which the common sort is best? Sense.

40. Why should a perfumer be a good editor? Because he is accustomed to make elegant extracts.

[6]

41. Why is a man like a green gooseberry? Because any woman can make a fool of him.

42. What is the color of a grass plot covered with snow? Invisible green.

43. Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check upon his stomach.

44. Why is an accepted suitor like a person guilty of a crime? Because he ought to be transported.

45. Send 10 cents to Keystone Book Co., P. O. Box 1634, Philadelphia, Pa., and you will receive 12 new and complete books, entirely different from the set of which this “Nuts to Crack” book is sold with.

46. Why is an avaricious man like one troubled with a bad memory? Because he is always forgetting.

47. What is the best kind of tea? Pacific Tea.

48. Why is a girl not a noun? Because a lass (alas!) is an interjection.

49. Why are indolent persons’ beds too short for them? Because they lie too long in them.

50. When is a man like a looking-glass? When he reflects.

51. When is a window like a star? When it is a skylight.

52. Why is a widower like a house in a state of dilapidation? Because he wants re-pairing.

53. What part of their infant tuition have old bachelors and old maids most profited by? Learning to go alone.

54. When is a wineglass like an accomplished prediction? When it is fulfilled (full-filled).

55. Which of the heathen gods is most resorted to in sickness? Mercury.

[7]

56. Why is the letter E like death? Because it is the end of life.

57. Why is a lady in a cotton dress like anything published? Because she appears in print.

58. What parts of speech are shopkeepers most anxious to dispose of? Articles.

59. Why are weary persons like carriage wheels? Because they are tired.

60. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

61. What is that which we all eat and drink, though it is sometimes a woman and sometimes a man? A toast.

62. Why would a tanner make a good chemist? Because he understands oxides (ox hides).

63. Why is Ireland like a bottle of wine? Because it has Cork in it.

64. Send 12 cents in stamps to Rex Company, Box 494, Philadelphia, Pa., and you will receive one package of tea, one silver plated thimble, one Colorado gold pen and one gold watch chain. Don’t miss this great offer.

65. Why is a well trained horse like a benevolent man? Because it stops at the sound of woe (whoa).

66. Why is the port of New Haven like a very wonderful phenomenon in acoustics? Because it includes a part of the sea, called the Sound; and that is the only sound that you can see.

67. When may a man be considered to be really over head and ears in debt? When he owes for his wig.

See Answers Following.

1. The following letters are inscribed on a stone[8] tablet placed immediately above the Ten Commandments in a country church in the northwest of England, and are deciphered with only one letter:

2. If the B m t put some: but if the B.

3. What difference is there between twice eight and fifty, and twice fifty-eight—and what is their product?

4. In an army consisting of 187 squadrons of horse, each 157 men, and 207 battalions, each 560 men—how many effective soldiers, supposing that in 7 hospitals there are 473 sick?

5. The Spectator mentions a club of fat people, whose number was only 15, and yet weighed no less than 3 tons—what was the weight of each person?

6. Three boys met a servant maid carrying apples to the market. The first took half what she had, but returned to her ten; the second took one-third, but returned two; and the third took away half those she had left, but returned her one. She had then twelve apples left—how many had she at first?

7. A schoolmaster being asked how many scholars he had, said: “If I had as many, half as many, and one-quarter as many more, I should have 88”—how many had he?

8. A person having about him a certain number of Portugal pieces, said: “If the third, fourth and sixth of them were added together, they would make 54.” I desire to know how many he had?

9. A man overtaking a maid driving a flock of geese, said to her: “How do you do, sweetheart; where are you going with these 30 geese?” “No,[9] sir,” said she, “I have not 30; but if I had as many more, half as many more, and 5 geese besides, I should have 30.” How many had she?

10. Three persons discoursing concerning their ages: says H, “I am 30 years of age;” says K, “I am as old as H, and one-fourth of L;” and says L, “I am as old as you both.” What was the age of each person?

11. What is the difference between twice 8 and 20, and twice 28; as also between twice 5 and 50, and twice 55?

12. A schoolmaster being asked how many scholars he had, said if he had as many more, one-half as many, and one-fourth as many, he should have 99. How many had he?

13. An ancient lady, being asked how old she was, to avoid a direct answer, said: “I have 9 children, and there are 3 years between the birth of each of them; the eldest was born when I was 19 years old, which is now exactly the age of the youngest.” How old was the lady?

14. A gentleman went to sea at 17 years of age; 8 years after that he had a son born, who lived 40 years, and died before his father; after whom the father lived twice twenty years, and then died also. What was the age of the father when he died?

15. A person said he had 20 children, that it happened there was a year and a half between each of their ages; his eldest son was born when he was 24 years old, and the age of the youngest is 21. What was the father’s age?

16. A sheepfold was robbed three nights successively; the first night one-half of the sheep were stolen and half a sheep more; the second night half the remainder were lost, and half a sheep more; the last night they took half that were left[10] and half a sheep more, by which time they were reduced to 20. How many were there at first?

17. There are two numbers, the one 48, the other twice as much. What is the difference between their sum and difference?

18. Two men depart both from one place, the one goes north the other south; the one goes 7 miles and the other 11 miles a day. How far are they distant at the twelfth day of their departure?

19.

20. If 12 oxen will eat 3 acres and one-third of grass in four weeks and 21 oxen will eat 10 acres in 9 weeks—how many oxen will eat 24 acres in 18 weeks, the grass being allowed to grow uniformly?

21. A lady was asked her age, who replied thus:

1. The letter E.

2. If the grate be empty, put some coal on; but if the grate be full, stop.

3. Difference 50, product 7656.

[11]

4. 144808.

5. 448 lbs.

6. 40.

7. 32.

8. 72.

9. 10.

10. H 30, K 50 and L 80.

11. 20 and 50.

12. 36.

13. 62.

14. 114.

15. 73 1/2 years.

16. 107.

17. 96.

18. 216 miles.

19. 10 1/2 years the man, 31 1/2 years the woman.

20. 30.

21. 28 years.

The four figures are 8888, which, being divided by a line drawn through the middle, becomes

0000
0000

the sum of which is eight 0s, or nothing.

Send 12 cents to the firm from whom you received this book, and get the Marvelous Package of Games, including checkers, dominoes, authors, etc. Biggest bargain lot of Games ever offered.

Key To Table.—Add together the figures at the top of each column in which the age is found and the sum will be the age sought. Example: Hand[13] the table to a lady and request her to tell you in which column or columns her age is found; if she says the first, second and fifth, you can say it is 19 by mentally adding together the first figures of those three columns, and so on for any age up to 63.

“Parlor Matches”—Courting in the front room.

All men are not homeless, but some are home less than others.

A young Oil City gent calls his girl revenge, because she is sweet.

When is a small baby like a big banker? When he is a wroth-child.

Before slates were used people multiplied on the face of the earth.

How may a man always become four-handed? By doubling his fists.

The economical baby puts its toes in its mouth to make both ends meet.

There’s nothing boisterous about the love for whiskey—it’s a still affection.

Why is a situation of great trust like a back tooth? Because it is hard to fill.

In art matters the education of the eye, of course, includes the proper treatment of the pupils.

Why are balloons in the air like vagabonds? Because they have no visible means of support.

Jones calls his dog Hickory, because he has a rough bark.

The only perpetual thing about perpetual motion is its failure.

Some shoemakers are notoriously long-lived—the lasters, for instance.

Billiards must be an easy game, for it’s mostly done on cushions.

[14]

Ricrac is a tidy affair.—Barber’s Gazette.

Domestic “sauce” is kept in family jars.

Bronze is a very fashionable hue nowadays, but brass has not entirely gone out.

The Barber’s Gazette, of New York City, has failed. It was strapped. Next!

A man with a noisy dog calls him “Tree,” because all the bark is on the outside.

Society is a fraction whose numerator is clothes and whose denominator is cash.

To introduce our celebrated Perfume, we will send a case postpaid, for 12 cents. We will mail with it, absolutely free, a beautiful gold plated Garnet and Opal ring. Send 12 cents in stamps and we will surprise and delight you. Address: W. S. Everett & Co., Lynn, Mass.

Flats are growing popular in New York. New York “flats” are unpopular the country over.

We fear the Montreal courts will hold that the matter of compulsory vaccination is ultra virus.

It is generally when you are not looking out for a woman that you get on her trail.

The best telephone bell—The hello girl at the other end of the line.

The poetry of motion—A picnic girl with a bug down her back.

In some of our down town restaurants, macadamized pie crust seems to be very popular.

The letter D is truly an old salt—been following the C for years.

“How to get fat”—Go to the butcher shop and purchase it by the pound.

The expense of evening walks is diminished now that ice cream has been called in.

A classical farmer in Burlington Township names all his pigs after the Greek roots.

[15]

Approaching a Crisis—Walking toward a restless girl baby.

A Boston girl visiting in Danbury claims to wear limbbings during severe weather.

Blessed is the man who loveth his wife’s relations; and not only blessed, but also scarce.

Love laughs at locksmiths, but we defy anybody or anything to laugh at a plumber.

The Rochester Express complains that the mornings get up too early.

The difference between a woman and an umbrella is, that you can shut up an umbrella.

Youth—“Pa, give me an example of a ‘floating debt.’” Pa—(sadly)—“My yacht.”

A cold wave—The preliminary flourish of the handkerchief.

A goose is an inoffensive fowl, and yet everybody gets down on her.

When a man bows assent to what you are saying he stoops to concur.

If you lack pluck, just eat buckwheat cakes. They’ll make you come to the scratch.

The church festival season is nearly over, and the solitary oyster will soon be out of his stew.

Talk is cheap, but the love prattle of a pretty girl is dear.

A flirt’s heart is like an omnibus—it always has room for one more.

He was “Claude” before he married her, and they say he was more clawed afterward.

He—“The music was so loud that I couldn’t hear myself talk.” She (bored)—“Oh, how nice!”

Slight of Hand—Refusing a marriage proposal.

It takes a Japanese girl thirteen hours to dress for a party.

Sweetening one’s coffee is the first stirring event of the day.

[16]

Free! We will send you an elegant large magazine 6 months, free, if you send 10 cents to have your name and address inserted in our Directory, which goes to over 1000 publishers, importers, etc., who will send you samples of new goods, latest books, newspapers, catalogues, etc. You will get a big mail daily. All at a cost of 10 cents. W. S. Everett & Co., Publishers, Lynn, Mass.

A lightning express would be unsafe were it not for the conductor.

Whatever the season, a gymnast wears both spring and fall clothing.

It is beauty’s privilege to kill time, and time’s privilege to kill beauty.

“I am climbin’ the ’ill of experience,” as the boy said who was made sick by smoking.

Strange behavior—A vessel “hugging” the coast.

What is the great want of the age?—Want of funds.

When is the water most liable to escape?—When it is only half tide.

The violinist who “carried the house by storm” used a rain bow afterward.

Even a clothes line becomes unsteady when it has too many sheets in the wind.

“Mankind,” said the preacher, “includes woman; for man embraces woman.”

When is a ship like a dressmaker?—When she’s rounding the Cape or tacking about.

“The only way to look at a lady’s faults,” exclaimed a gallant, “is to shut your eyes.”

“Cutter & Fitts” are said to be the names of the fashionable dressmakers in New York.

Handsome is as handsome drives without upsetting the hansom.

Those who toil and spin—The bicycle riders.